I ask myself this all the time. For some people it’s an easy and quick answer. As for me, I have my goals, dreams, and ideas for the life ahead of me. As for how or when, is what I’m seeking? I know God has total control of all things, but I wonder why I feel empty. Why is it that no matter what I do, it seems like it’s nothing and it eventually fades? What is it I am supposed to do, complete, or accomplish in this life? I feel like all I’ve done is nothing, and that I could have done so much more, or something else. I can honestly say I dislike when people think highly of me. I am a human, a sinner, just like everyone else in this planet. Why should I out of millions be chosen by God? I don’t question God, because I know he has a plan and within his plan there is a purpose. Though I may not understand, I am trying my best to just stop wondering, and just trust in him and obey him fully. Some may see me as a good Christian, or leader, I don’t see things like others do. Though I am not the best person, nor the worst, I can be better. Not for me, nor my family, but for God. I feel as if I fail him daily, though all humans do fail God daily with sin, but I feel like I fail him more than others. I am being completely honest with myself; I won’t deny my sins, or my mistakes. I may not admit them to the faces of humans; because it’ll be like looking at a mirror. They are probably failing in the same areas. I still believe that confession within believers is a good and needed step in moving forward in life.
I am learning and realizing that there are so many Christians who live this fake life. They go on living as if they are Jesus, as if they were sinless. I consider them ridiculous, and annoying. There is nothing worst then a person who denies their sins, and mistakes, and points out the ones of others. Why can’t we all just be honest with ourselves and to God? We are sinners, we fail and sometimes we don’t admit the fact we aren’t perfect, but for some reason we find joy, pointing the flaws, and mistakes of others.
I can no longer follow the pattern of the Christians of the world. I see two kinds of Christians on earth. The ones who are living here, who are not of this world, and the others who are actually of this world, trying to reach the heavenly places but attached to their worldly desires. You must choose only one thing to carry with you in the path of life, the world or the cross. I personally know the word of God says we must carry our cross. Sadly many of us have dropped the cross, perhaps lost it a long time ago, and picked up everything we found along the path known as sins such as, fleshly desires, or perhaps emotions of hatred, jealousy, and pride. Every true Christian has dealt with one of these examples, or something similar to it.
I can honestly admit to the fact that I have, and I have no shame in admitting it. Why should we hide when the truth all comes to the light? The first step of actually letting go of bad habits, such as repeated sins, is to confess, and be set free from those strongholds once and for all. I am sick and tired of being held down, being driven by the spirit, and then the enemy misleading me. The enemy has tried numerous of times to get me out of the Christian walk. Even tried to kill me several times, but for some reason I’m still here, I know God has some kind of purpose with me, but at this moment as I write this, I feel so unworthy, so deep in this sadness, that just feels like its eating me alive.
I honestly feel like giving it all up. I feel like I am not worthy of being placed in the positions I am in. As others wait for their turn, I feel like I cut the line and got here, though I know I haven’t. I feel my spirit fighting against my mind and heart. I feel my body reaching for the world, as my spirit screams out to God. There is so many things going on at the same time, and I’m at the point I just don’t know what I want anymore, the passion for God is there, the passion to worship is there, but it’s not burning like before, it’s as if the fire has been put out, but there are ashes still lit up, ready to burst into flames. I feel like I’m living two lives in one body, it’s weird, but sadly Christians don’t notice it is possible, to go to church, serve, and still end up in hell. Why you may ask? Simple answer, you must give your all to God, or nothing, it’s not a hard concept to understand, but it is not easy to accomplish.
No man but Jesus has walked on the earth, and has never failed God. Jesus is the true and only example of a true follower of God. As for the rest of us, there’s a mix of Jesus freaks, the religious, and the realist. I place myself in the category of realist. I accept the fact I am not perfect, I sin daily, and I am not the perfect Christian, but I am completely honest, and open about it. The Jesus freaks, live life acting like just knowing about Jesus, wearing a shirt with Jesus name on it, or having crosses around their necks is going to save them. Please you’re wasting your time, and you are never going to meet the real Jesus unless you actually build a real relationship with him first, a spiritual relationship, not a religious life style. Last but never the least are the religious people. They are known as the ones who literally push others into the flames of hell. All by the power of the human mouth, they judge, and cast people away because they don’t meet up to your own personal standards. Thinking if people aren’t good enough for them, then God must not like them either, the hell with you they say, in secret terminologies behind the veil, but they can never hide their obvious expressions. Religious people are the ones I like to call the front line, want to know why? Because they will be the last to enter the spiritual court to be judged, but they’ll be the first to hear his voice say, “I NEVER KNEW YOU!”
I confess once again, I am not a perfect person, I sin, and I’m human, made of flesh and bones. But living life trying to build a relationship with God, and trying my best to move forward. Have I failed at certain moments sure, I’m going to give you a big fat yes on that. Have others judged me, or continue to do so, yes. Will I allow that to affect me, no, wonder why? Well it’s simple, humans aren’t God. I am not saying I don’t care about what others think of me, because a Christian should care. If people cannot see Christ within you, then you don’t have Christ. It’s a given fact that a life without God is a human body just getting old and eventually dies; a life lived for God, is a human who accepts they are a sinner but knows that God has a purpose for their life. They accept the molding process, and allow God to do his will in them.
I want to live that life, allowing God to have full control, no longer will I make decisions, but I will continue trusting, believing, and knowing that God is God, holy and matchless, and I am a sinner trying to live a humble life before God, and humanity.
-Mimic
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